It is hard to exsplain...
and I feel bad for feeling this way it is a dark pit in my stomach that makes me want to throw up. and feeling that way just makes the feeling worse.
I don't want to feel bed because I am worried for other people.. andf I am worried for a lot of people and I can;t help myself bu when I think about how bad I feel over it...
It makes me bad for feeling bad.. when ever I do anythign for myself I feel selfish.
I want to just rip pieses of me off and pass them out to those that need me until I am sitting here no longer me but something just resting in a chair.
Is there enough of me to give to make things right? Am I really makign a difference... well of course I am why would my friend lie?
I just at this moment feel like I need more parts of myself to rip off. More of me more of me more of me.
The idea of tearing ripping flesh.. something real to be upset over rather then this.. selfish pitiful behavor that I am showing.
No I am not drespessed.. well at this moment I am... at this moment I feel very Goth...
I am not feeling my mutilating myself... I just have to get these things out.. or else they will drive me mad.
Part of me is afraid that I will make those I care for feel worse by saying all this.. Part of me is saying this is a cry for pitty..shameless and selfish...
No I just want to be heard.. want to get it out. want to say the things that are inside tear them from myself sticky and wet and let they lay bleeeding on the page.
Is it so wrong to feel bad when others feel bad... it is so wrong to feel helpless and a little worthless because you can;t fix other's pain?
Am I selfish for feeling bad for not being able to care for those I care about and Love? I don't mena my husband. It's not that I don;t care about him. I do dearly. It's that I know I can care for him.
No one ever asked me to bleed for them so why do I?
and please no one who I do bleed for read this and feel bad.. please I don't know if I could take that. I hurt and that is my issue it is my problem. I shoudl jsut be dealing with it you all have enough problems.